Management Practice in the New MilleniumMSFlight XPMerge-Matic Books 2Don't lick your envelopes!Cat Rescue. Oops!Christmas SongbirdThe Captain's ParrotA Handsome TipThe Lord's Prayer as an SMS Text MessageScientific Metajoke
Management Practice in the New Millenium
MSFlight XP
Merge-Matic Books 2
Don't lick your envelopes!
Cat Rescue. Oops!
Christmas Songbird
The Captain's Parrot
A Handsome Tip
The Lord's Prayer as an SMS Text Message
Scientific Metajoke
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, states that when you discover you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to dismount. However, Modern Management practice has developed far more effective strategies, such as:
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
Redmond, WA - One of the most acclaimed features of the new Microsoft Windows XP release is its ability to enable users to fly without the aid of any mechanical assistance whatsoever. As the Microsoft commercials vividly display, users of XP can fly simply by spreading their arms. This is made possible by the new flight feature of Windows XP, called MSFlight. "The flight feature is something that we have been working on for some time," said Bill Gates, CSA of Microsoft. "Today's mobile executives need the ability to fly, and we feel that MSFlight's capabilities are far superior to those offered by Linux or Apple." However, as with many Microsoft releases, there have been some problems with the initial releases. Many users are saying that their flying experiences are very different from what is shown on the television commercials.
One example is Martin Feinstein, of Syosset, NY After purchasing Windows XP, he activated the flying feature and immediately levitated in his living room. "At first, it was great, just like in the commercials" he said. However, Mr. Feinstein's computer locked up after only a few minutes, sending him crashing to he ground and fracturing his right clavicle. "My computer crashed, and so did I" said Mr. Feinstein, who purchase an Apple computer the next day.
Another problem is XP's susceptibility to viruses. Janice O'Connor, of Anderson, North Carolina was ejected from her 14th floor apartment after opening an e-mail that contained a virus targeted at Windows XP. The virus, which contains a file aptly named "Flyme2th_moon.exe", initiates the MSFlight feature, adjusts the speed setting to maximum, and then shuts down the computer a few seconds later, ending the user's flight capabilities. Witnesses said that Ms. O'Connor was hurdled through her apartment's balcony plate glass window and flew approximately 200 yards at that altitude before plummeting to her death. "This certainly gives new meaning to the term 'fatal exception'", said her cousin, Rita O'Reardon, who was injured after opening the virus in an e-mail from Ms. O'Connor and being thrown against her bedroom wall. Apparently the virus uses Microsoft Outlook to e-mail copies of itself to everyone in the victim's contacts list. More than 100 people in O'Connor's contacts list were sent the virus, but only 3, who had purchased Windows XP, were injured. Local Police Chief Clem Waters said, "It is fortunate that sales of XP have been so slow, or this event could have been much worse."
Another Windows XP user flew a little too well. Amy Branston of San Francisco was last seen ascending straight up at an amazing speed, and was tracked by NASA radar moving away from the earth at over 28,000 miles per hour. According to her husband, she had just installed Windows XP, and thought that the MSFlight feature was a flight simulator game. "She turned on the MSFlight feature, and shot up like a rocket," he told BB Spot reporters. Apparently, a glitch in the Windows XP software was responsible for propelling her into outer space. Microsoft officials have commented that Windows XP is not capable of accelerating users to orbital velocity unless they have installed an unlicensed copy of the software.
NASA officials are very concerned about the potential for Microsoft to introduce its customers into an already crowded orbital space. Mr. Hal Clarke, Director of Space Junk for NASA says, "There are tens of thousands of objects already floating in earth orbit, and it is difficult enough to track them now" said Mr. Clarke. "If we're going to have hundreds or thousands of Microsoft users floating around up there, it's going to get pretty messy. It's not just the bodies we're worried about. We have calculated that collisions will produce significant fragmentation, with huge numbers of arms, legs, and other parts." NASA is already contemplating fitting its space shuttles with windshield wipers to help clean off blood and other bodily fluids from collisions with orbiting Microsoft XP users.
The FAA is also concerned about the potential for traffic problems in commercial air space. "If there are going to be thousands of Microsoft XP users flying around in the air, we're going to have a traffic control nightmare on our hands," said FAA spokesman Norman Krazowski. "They are all going to have to file flight plans, and carry anti-collision transponders and flight data recorders just like airplanes. Also, randomly-selected XP users will be selected and required to carry an undercover Air Marshall with them." Microsoft has responded to the FAA by saying that any undercover Air Marshals attached to any flying XP users will also have to purchase a licensed copy of Microsoft XP. Mr. Gates has stressed the safety of Windows XP, noting that it is far more stable than previous versions of Windows. "I can understand why people would have been hesitant to trust their lives to previous versions of Windows, but XP is far more stable, and users can feel completely secure flying at any altitude while using XP." When asked by a reporter why he chose to arrive in a limousine rather than use the flight feature of Windows XP, Mr. Gates declined to comment.
From BBSPOT
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
The Winter's Tale of Two Cities
Leontes is pursued through the streets of revolutionary Paris by a bear before escaping to England and laying down his life in a supererogatory act.
Jude: The Obscure object of Desire
A simple Dorset-based stonemason harbours dreams of becoming an Oxford student but ultimately turns to making soft porn movies with an elderly Spanish film-maker...
Lucky Lord Jim
Tired of life as a poorly-paid schoolmaster in the provinces in 50s Britain, Trad-Jazz-loving Jim Dixon signs on for a lengthy sea voyage ...etc...etc...
Rob Roy of the Rovers
Francis Osbaldistone, banished to the north of England by the cruel father whose business he refuses to work for, signs professional forms for Melchester Rovers and scores the winning goal in the FA Cup Final...
Porgy and Tess
Homeloving country girl with aspirations to marry above herself meets instead, a cotton plantatation worker in the American deep South....
Nineteen Eighty For Whom The Bell Tolls
Dystopian novel about a Spain ruled by a dictator following a gruelling civil war...
Moonrakenfield
Industrialist and rocket builder Sir Hugo Drax becomes the scourge of his quiet English village when it is discovered he cheats at cards.
Cider with the Rose
An Edwardian Gloucestershire-based youth loses his innocence when he discovers a mildewing parchment that leads him to unravel a medieval murder mystery involving Benedictine monks......
Bonfire of the Vanity Fair
Becky Sharp and Amelia Sedley leave Miss Pinkerton's Academy in a carriage but, after Becky has thrown Dr Johnson' dachshund out of the window, the driver takes a wrong turn and they end up lost in the Bronx.
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
Here's something to think about. If you lick your envelopes...You won't anymore!!!
A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.
Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump.
He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...
This was a true story reported on CNN
This joke also appears on the Medical pages.
As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and essential community function.
This joke also appears on the Cat pages.
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--
Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
This joke also appears on the Pun pages.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said:
"OK, I give up. Where the f*ck is the boat?"
This joke also appears on the Animal pages.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
This joke also appears on the Revenge pages.
An SMS text message on mobile phones has a maximum 160 characters.
dad@hvn,ur spshl.we want wot u want&urth2b like hvn.giv us food&4giv r sins lyk we 4giv uvaz.don't test us!save us!bcos we kno ur boss, ur tuf&ur cool 4eva! ok?
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard.
After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.
A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.