Disclaimer To Be Used When Purchasing Software
More Product Warnings
Coming Home At 3 A.M.
Footballers aren't stupid ?!?!
Room For Beer
Urban Homosexual
In the beginning was the PLAN
Irish Extreme Sports
Compiler Error Messages
Latest Blockbuster from Hollywood (Five-one)
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.
The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.
This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.
You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:
Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.
Thank you and have a nice day!
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
"WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"
We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the
bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and lo and
behold the first instruction was
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!
Warning on a curling iron:
Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily Orifice...
My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots
in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed
to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label
stated,
"Only use in well ventilated areas."
Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle:
"Do not open here."
On a bottle of spray paint:
"Do not spray in your face."
On a bottle of bathtub cleaner:
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
On a container of lighter fluid:
WARNING: Contents flammable!
On a bottle of hand lotion:
Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.
On a box of household nails:
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!
Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is
Remove plastic.
On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better.
Below in small print it said
"Lab test: (their product) vs. water.
On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was
better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters,
"vs. using no adhesive".
I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards, jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from future lawsuits.
One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer
when I read the warnings it said
"DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"
Seen on the back of a drink bottle label:
"Do not peel label off."
On a Band-Aid box:
"For serious injuries, seek medical attention."
On a can of powdered infant formula:
"Mix with water before serving."
Like I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!
This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner:
"Safe for carpets, too!"
This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments:
"Do not turn upside down."
On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo,
"Tastes so good this box never closes,"
is located just underneath another announcement:
"To close: place tab here."
On a plastic orange juice can:
"100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."
I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said
"No purchase necessary - Details Inside."
Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos:
Dip chips in cheese and salsa.
The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying,
"Not for highway use."
On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in
households with pets
Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed directly on pets."
While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction
worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he
was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer
were the words,
'Use protective eyewear.'
On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign
that states:
"Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."
On the label of Sterno is a warning that says,
"Do not use near fire or flame." Check it out!
Seen on a container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium
On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said:
"Do not spray into electrical outlet."
Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was
the (large lettered) sign:
"Warning: Do not put any person in this washer."
There is also a stroller on the market with the warning,
"Remove child before folding."
I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks.
At the end of the ad in small letters it read:
"Caution, do not drive underwater"
This joke also appears on the Quotations and Sayings pages.
At about 3 a.m., a guy was home rather late. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, but that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and
occasionally on the left side.'
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka
'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan
'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo
'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi
'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' - Ian Wright
'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright
'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right knee.' - Lee Hendrie
'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush
'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian Wright.' - Robbie Earle
'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today.' - Steve Lomas
'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison
'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more European.' - Phil Neville
'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.' - David Beckham
'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.' - Graeme Le Saux
'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.- Alan Shearer
'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' - Johnny Giles
'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham
'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand
'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.' - Gary Lineker
'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones
This joke also appears on the Quotations and Sayings pages.
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then..........
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
This joke has been moved here.
And then came the assumptions...
And the assumptions were without form...
and the PLAN was without substance...
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers...
and they spoke amongst themselves saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour
thereof"
and the Supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth
unto them "It is a container of excrement and it is
very strong...such that none can abide by it"
and the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth
"It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide by
its strength"
and the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to
one another "It contains that which aids plant growth,
and is very strong"
and the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth
unto them "It promotes growth and is very powerful"
and the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth
unto him "This new plan will actively promote the growth
and efficiency of this company and these areas in
particular"
and the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good...
and the Plan became POLICY....
This joke also appears on the Work Jokes pages.
Two Irish blokes are standing on the edge of a cliff, one has a budgie on each shoulder. The other has a parrot on one shoulder.
The first jumps off the cliff and halfway down the budgies fly off, he hits the ground with a thud and is barely alive as he rolls around groaning upon the rocks. The second man jumps off the cliff and half way down the parrot flies off, the man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a shotgun and shoots the parrot just before he lands upon the rocks.
As they both lie there in pain the first man comments
"I don't think much of this Budgie jumping"
The other replies
"I don't think much of this free fall parrot shooting either"
This joke also appears on the Parochial Joke pages.
These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the copyright issue. Tony Cunningham
"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)"
"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'"
"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"
"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"
"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler"
"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"
"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"
"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)"
"Huh ?"
"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"
"we already did this function"
"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"
"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"
"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"
"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer"
This joke also appears on the Techie pages.
Universal Pictures announced today they plan to make a film of the momentous football match that took place on Saturday 1st September 2001, in Munich.
"Five-One" is the tentative title of what could be next year's big summer hit, depicting the American national soccer team's stunning victory over Germany.
Nicholas Cage heads an all star cast as the captain of the brave US Soccer team haunted by the trauma of losing in the 2000 World Cup final on penalties and the death of his wife in a riot caused by English football hooligans, and finds love in the arms of a female sports journalist played by Julia Roberts.
Mel Gibson is the no-nonsense Swedish coach who leads them to glory, with Keanu Reeves, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Will Smith playing some of Cage's heroic team mates. Jeremy Irons is set to star as Sir Nigel Villiers-Smythe, the dastardly Englishman who coaches the German team and forces them to play with poisoned-tipped studs to try and cheat the heroic American team out of victory.
Director Steven Spielberg defended the film-makers' decision to focus on the American contribution to the victory over Germany, and inaccurate and even imagined events in the story, saying,
"Obviously we've had to take some artistic licence to make the story work on film, but I hope that what we produce will be true to the spirit of what happened on that famous night."
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.