Sophie's ChoicePreying Mantis Syndrome (PMS)New ExpressionsMore Useful Latin PhrasesDubya's PrincipleScottish HospitalClutch TalkVampiresUndercover CopsChrist's Biography
Sophie's Choice
Preying Mantis Syndrome (PMS)
New Expressions
More Useful Latin Phrases
Dubya's Principle
Scottish Hospital
Clutch Talk
Vampires
Undercover Cops
Christ's Biography
Sophie Rhys-Jones, Countess of Wessex, and wife of the Queen's youngest son Prince Edward, was branded cruel and out of touch after she was photographed wearing a fox hat in the Swiss resort of St. Moritz.
Sophie is now claiming that the Queen Mother was responsible for her PR gaff.
She went to the Queen Mum for wardrobe advice. She had already packed her skiing gear, but being new to royal protocol was not sure how to dress at other times during her stay. She asked the queen mum what would be appropriate attire for a trip to Switzerland, and is claiming that the dear old soul replied:
"Switzerland dear? Wear the fox hat"
This joke also appears on the Pun pages.
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
This joke also appears on the Men v Women pages.
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI
The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old
HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it
CARNE DIEM
Seize the meat
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
CAVE NE ANTE ULLAS CATAPULTAS AMBULES.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
MACHINA IMPROBA! VEL MIHI EDE POTUM VEL MIHI REDDE NUMMOS MEOS!
You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me back my money!
ESTNE TIBI FORTE MAGNA FELES FULVA ET PLANISSIMA?
Do you by any chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?
RE VERA, CARA MEA, MEA NIL REFERT.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
UTINAM BARBARI SPATIUM PROPRIUM TUUM INVADANT!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
IN DENTIBUS FRUSTUM MAGNUM SPINACIAE HABES.
You have a big piece of spinach on your front teeth.
GRAMEN ARTIFICIOSUM ODI.
I hate astroturf.
CATAPULTUM HABEO. NISI PECUNIAM OMNEM NIHI DABIS, AD CAPUT TUUM SAXUM IMMANE MITTAM.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
HEU! TINTINNUNTIUS MEUS SONAT!
Damn! There goes my bleeper!
HOCINE BIBO AUT IN EUM DIGITOS INSERO?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
CASU CONSULTO
Accidentally, on purpose.
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
Recent developments in artificial intelligence have led to the discovery of the Law of the Conservation of Intelligence, or "Dubya's Principle" as it's come to be known, which (Let's put it simply so everybody can understand.) states that the total amount of intelligence in existence is an unvarying constant. That is to say, intelligence can neither be created nor destroyed.
This plain principle has some disturbing implications for an era fascinated by the potential for making smart bombs and intelligent refrigerators because making dumb things smart has the unfortunate and inevitable effect of making other things stupid.
The poor Beef Growers have simply lost enough elementary smart particles (or "nerdons" in the technical vocabulary of AI) that their oppositely charged particles ("morons") have come to dominate the fundamental structure of their brains. Scientists have yet to issue any public warnings on the issue, but it is becoming increasingly clear that we are rapidly entering an age of artificial stupidity.
This joke also appears on the Idiot pages.
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of the tour he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!".
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering bl'attle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle." "Well," says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"No, no," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."
This joke also appears on the Word-Play pages.
Announcer: Good Evening, and welcome to Clutch Talk, the TV talk show devoted exclusively to discussion of the issues and turmoil surrounding today's automotive transmissions. And here's your host, Gerry Grinder.
(Applause)
Gerry: Thank you. Thank you. No, please, thank you. Our first guest today is Frederick Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe, last year's winner of the coveted Flywheel award for excellence in automotive maintenance discussion. Welcome to the show, Fred.
Fred: Glad to be here Gerry. Always happy to discuss automotive maintenance.
(laughter)
Gerry: Well, actually, we only discuss transmissions on the show, and not much maintenance of them, as such.
Fred: Oh. Well, I do know a thing or two about transmissions, as it turns out.
Gerry: Fascinating! So how do you stand on the whole "stick versus automatic" question, if I may be so bold?
Fred: Well, it depends, of course, upon what sort of driver you are talking abou...
(Gasps and mutters in the audience)
Fred: ab..about. You see, I think very highly of the stick-shift transmission.
(scattered applause)
Fred: But for some people, the stick can be, shall we say, rather confusing.
(More muttering)
Gerry: So, you mean to say, that there is a place in the world, albeit
limited, for the
(Gasps. One woman faints)
Fred: Well, certainly. Notwithstanding the, um, obvious merits and superiority of the stick, it does involve the use of that third footpad, which many people mistakenly call the clutch, but which is indeed correctly referred to as the clutch PEDAL, inasmuch as it is simply a pedal one depresses in order to disengage the clutch mechanism.
(Silence in the audience)
Gerry: Surely you mean "engage" rather than disengage, Mr. Downshiftingbottomsford-Smythe.
Fred: I don't take your meaning.
(Laughter)
Gerry: One depresses the clutch pedal in order to ENGAGE the clutch mechanism, not to DISengage it.
Fred: No no no, not at all. When one depresses the clutch pedal with one's foot, that action operates a linkage, which thereby...
(Louder Laughter)
Fred: wh...whi...which thereby...Alright then, suppose you describe the functionality of the clutch mechanism. I suppose you're an expert, Gerry, this being "Clutch Talk" and all that?
Gerry: No no, that's quite alright (rolls eyes). Please, do go on with your discourse.
(Laughter)
Fred: Right. So the clutch pedal operates a linkage which engages a mechanism...
Gerry: But you said before that it DISengages the mechanism.
Fred: Well perhaps you misheard me. It surely engages a mechanism.
Gerry: And?
Fred: And that mechanism operates the clutch.
Gerry: Well said!
(Applause)
Fred: Thank you. Now as it turns out, the clutch then provides the...
Gerry (interupting): Fred, you were saying earlier that you like the automatic. Could you elucidate upon that point?
Fred: Well I didn't actually say I LIKED it, just that it has its place in the scheme of things, due to the potential confusing nature of the stick, which I daresay we have discovered today in our discussion of the clutch pedal.
Gerry: I don't think it's confusing a damn bit, if I dare say so.
(Cheers from the audience)
Fred: Well certainly the necessity of simultaneously depressing the clutch pedal whilst selecting a gear can be confusing to some people, else why would the automatic transmission ever have become invented?
(BOOOOOOO)
Gerry: Indeed. Why, why indeed. Well I'll tell you. It is a conspiracy between the automobile mechanics and the politicians and the oil companies to make us use less efficient technology that breaks more often, uses more gasoline, and costs more, thereby resulting in more taxes. All this rubbish about the stick being confusing is just so much rubbish.
(Uproarious cheers)
Fred: Well what of people who are unable to walk and chew gum at the same time?
(Scattered laughter)
Gerry: Oh for heaven's sake! As if such people should be allowed to drive in the first place.
(Standing ovation)
Fred: Goodness! Well, I suppose you have a point there. Perhaps I...
Gerry: Well that's all the time we have today. Tune in next week when my guest will be Miss Monica Lewinsky, who claims to have some knowledge of the clutch, and the stick. We shall see.
(Applause. Closing credits.)
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.
Three vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a pint of blood. The barman says to the second vampire "What'll it be?" And the second vampire says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The third one says "Well I'm driving so I'll just have a pint of plasma."
The barman says "OK, that's two Bloods and one Blood lite then."
This joke also appears on the Pun pages.
"Police communications chiefs in Kent (UK) have cuffed undercover coppers from using theme tunes from cop shows as mobile phone rings. As part of Kent Constabulary's communications policy, undercover officers are forbidden fro using tunes from The Bill, The Professionals, The Sweeney and Crimewatch on their mobiles. The top cops fear that criminals will nobble an undercover copper whose phone suddenly rings with a tune from Z-Cars."
British policing at its finest ...
From "Network News", 30 May 2001:
This joke also appears on the Media pages.
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
Date :- 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority. However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
This joke also appears on the Parody and Satire pages.