Some amusing newspaper snippetsLucky by name?Don't Do It YourselfZombie Spit ManKinky CocoonThe Problem with David Beckham JokesBird TagsLarge Woman Horror StoryAn actual ad in the TimesDog sets house on fire
Some amusing newspaper snippets
Lucky by name?
Don't Do It Yourself
Zombie Spit Man
Kinky Cocoon
The Problem with David Beckham Jokes
Bird Tags
Large Woman Horror Story
An actual ad in the Times
Dog sets house on fire
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This is a supposed to be true story, unfortunately. (Is this dog the Christine of the Canine world?)
"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all." Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.
"I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety.
But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days." Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
A DO-IT-YOURSELF enthusiast has been banned by his wife from taking on any more tasks after causing £10,000 of damage.
Christopher Androws, 51, has been ordered into the kitchen. His wife Toni says he can do the cooking while she puts up the shelves. Mr Andrews, a pensions administrator, has left a trail of destruction in their two bedroom terrace house in Wootton Bassett, Wilts.
While trying to change a washer on a tap, he went up into the loft to look for the stopcock and disconnected two pipes, flooding the house. He later returned to the loft to look for the television aerial and crashed through the ceiling, showering plaster on his wife, who was doing the ironing.
When he wanted to lay a carpet in a bedroom, he knocked out the lights bringing the roll of material into the house. He cut a large hole in the carpel rather than move the bed.
Mr Andrews once blacked both his eyes when a wheel brace slipped as he tried to change a punctured tyre on the couple's car.
He ruined a work surface in the kitchen by trimming off so much of it to make it fit that it ended up far too small.
In his hands, the electric drill becomes a dangerous weapon. He cut his leg badly when he dropped the drill as he tried to rehang a broken garden gate. Then, while trying to put up a coat rack in the hall, he drilled through an electric cable, sending hot sparks that set fire to the curtains.
This made him more safety conscious. When he decided to put some speakers on the walls, he turned off the electricity. Unable to understand why his electric drill had stopped working, he took it apart to see if he could fix the fault.Having failed to find anything wrong with it, he tried to put it back together again but failed. He had forgotten where the pieces went.So he was forced to go out to buy another electric drill. He was about to take it back to the shop because it did not work when his wife arrived home and reminded him that he had turned off the electricity.
Mrs Andrews, 49, a job training manager, said she had had enough, "Chris will have a go at absolutely anything," she said. "But in his case, DIY stands for . . : 'Dangerously Incompetent Yob'. He almost annihilates the place every time he gets the tool box out.
"He is an absolute dead loss. I cannot trust him with anything. He is useless around the house."He is six foot five inches tall and basically there is too much of Chris and not enough of the house. But he is a good cook. So now he is doing the cooking and I am taking over the DIY."
Her husband conceded that he had "never been much good at practical things".He said: "I have loads of manuals on how to do all the various jobs. But' I just read them and think: 'Sod it. It'll take ages if I do all that preparation', I'll do it my way'."I can see what I want to do in my mind's eye but it all falls to pieces when I start work. I reckon if I was to get everything I have wrecked professionally repaired it would cost us about £10,000."
One good thing has come out of his catalogue of DIY disasters. Mr Andrews has won a local television company's prize for the worst DIY enthusiast: a £2,000 patio.
But Mrs Andrews is adamant that she will not let her husband loose on the prize. "We are getting someone in to help," she said. "I am not going to let him try to do that."
Telegraph. 1/10/98
Californian partygoer Casper Browngut (honest) was shot in the leg after being mistaken for a zombie.
The trouble started when Mr Browngut, 23 was invited to a fancy dress punk party, and decided to go as a globule of spit.
'I wore swimming trunks, and covered myself in KY jelly so I looked really mucousy', he explained. 'It was uncomfortable, but it looked great.'
Mr Browngut's costume, which he kept fresh with regular applications proved a huge success, but as he staggered home, drunk and carrying a comatose friend he was spotted by a passing policeman. The lawman quite reasonably assumed he was some sort of 'melting man, or zombie' and shot him.
'These things keep happening to me', sighed a recuperating Mr Browngut. 'Last year I was run over dressed as a profiterôle.'
Big Issue July 21-27 1997
A KINKY loner accidentally killed himself during a bizarre sex game with a dustbin liner and a vacuum cleaner, an inquest heard yesterday. Terence Simmonds, 49, was found naked astride the cleaner and wrapped inside a plastic "cocoon".
The divoorced courier driver had suffocated inside the contraption he built to heighten his sexual pleasure. He had sealed himself inside the cocoon - made of heavy-duty plastic and a bin liner - then ran the vacuum cleaner hose inside. He also fixed a switch to operate it.
Cops found Mr Simmonds lying on his back when they broke into his mobile home in Garsington, Oxford, after his boss raised the alarm. Det Insp David McCorkhill told the hearing: "It was a complicated set-up. When it was eventually unravelled we found a naked male." Sticky tape and bottles of amyl nitrate were near the body. Police had investigated Mr Simmonds' sex antics after finding him unconscious two years earlier.
Mr Simmonds' ex-wife Celia - who he wed weeks after meeting her through a lonely hearts ad in 1984 - told the inquest her husband had "unusual sexual habits."
Colleagues at transport firm Oxford Logistics described Mr Simmonds as "reliable, but a loner."
The problem with David Beckham jokes is they aren't as funny as the real thing:-
Tuesday, 28 November, 2000, 11:37 GMT
Beckham's tattoo misspelt
Football player David Beckham has misspelt his wife's name on his latest tattoo. The tattoo on his left forearm is incorrect, spelling Victoria with an added "h" as Vihctoria. The Manchester United player reportedly decided to have his wife's name in Hindi script because he felt it would be less "tacky" than having it in English. The name Victoria is well known in India because of Queen Victoria - Pademesh Gupta, Purvai magazine Pademesh Gupta, editor of Hindi-language magazine Purvai said it was a "silly mistake". He told BBC News Online: "The name Victoria is well known in India because of Queen Victoria. It is in a Hindi dictionary." He added: "Whoever did the tattoo was probably English and didn't know Hindi." The footballer already has two tattoos - one of his son's name Brooklyn in gothic script on his lower back and an avenging angel on his neck and shoulders. Mr Gupta said anyone who could read Hindi would spot the mistake instantly. More than 180 million people in India regard Hindi as their mother tongue and a further 300 million learn it as a second language. But Mr Gupta did say he was pleased to see the language being used as a tattoo. "It is a beautiful script and it is unfortunate that there is a mistake. "But it does look nice and it's good to see it being used by an English footballer," he said. Internet links: Tattoos.com | Spice Girls | Purvai Magazine | Manchester United | |
The above was originally reported here by news.bbc.co.uk.
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I
followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it
was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
A while ago, after more than a few delicious beverages at my local I pulled a large woman, and persuaded her to let me take her home. At home, we soon got down to business and despite the room being pitch black it wasn't hard to locate her massive boobies, so I started sucking greedily on a hardened nipple. And then, rather surprisingly, I got a gob full of warm milk.
Being the perfect gentleman I immediately asked her if she had recently given birth, but she rather testily claimed that she hadn't. So I carried on regardless and had a thoroughly enjoyable night of blubber-bashing with the cubby - goer.
When I woke in the morning I looked down at the beached whale and was rather horrified to see, about half an inch from her nipple, the shrivelled remains of a monstrous boil that I had sucked dry during our night of passion.
FHM Magazine
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
6:32pm Saturday, 27th January 2001
Pet lovers are being warned not to keep aerosols near animals after a dog bit through a can of hairspray, causing a fireball which left his owners homeless.
West Midlands Fire Service says an exploding aerosol ignited by heat from a gas fire acted as a mini-blowtorch, causing "untold damage" to Ivan Hopson's home in Short Heath, Willenhall.
Assistant Divisional Officer Iain McWilliam is urging all homeowners to ensure aerosols are stored properly and kept away from animals and young children.
Mr Hopson's partner Wendy Rudge, their 21-month-old son Jamie and Sam the mongrel fled the blaze. But two cats were killed and another dog was overcome by smoke as the fire destroyed furniture in the living room and kitchen.
Upstairs rooms have been left smoke-logged and the family have been advised to find alternative accommodation.
Mr McWilliam is urging people to keep aerosols away from animals and children, saying: "They are dangerous and they are highly inflammable if they are heated up. Any aerosol, even a single can, can cause untold damage if accidents occur."
He says: "They are absolutely safe if they are used properly and considerately, but we have even had cases in the past where women have been smoking while putting on their hairspray and ended up blow-torching themselves.
"We would advise people to take great care - don't leave them in sunlight, and certainly don't leave them where accidents can happen.
"When they are empty, they are like a little bomb and, when they are full, the propellant for something like hairspray is highly flammable and, obviously, you get quite a fireball if that explodes."
Miss Rudge, 42, said: "Sam has always been a naughty dog, but he has done nothing like this before."