Below is a compilation of actual (American) 8th grade student bloopers
collected by teachers.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing
the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also
wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the
post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had
to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the
most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman
who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her
reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids." Errick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them." Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin,
age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10
Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids
ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
(Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to
have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are
so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in
your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome
like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
(Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love."
(John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I
hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get
the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
essays, exams, and class room discussions.
Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate
Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes
from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you
came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a
horse 500 feet in one second.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they
still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees
between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others
preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why
you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water,
so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I
have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around and around.
there is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we
breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will
kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in
other places.
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including
spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is
administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been
bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diahredyreadireathe
the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in
bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the
doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was
also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and
fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last
night.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each
kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them
to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
Better to be safe than
punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the
bug is close.
It's always darkest before
daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
You can lead a horse to water but
how?
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
No news is
impossible.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
You can't teach an old dog
math.
If you lie down with dogs, you
will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust
me.
The pen is mightier than
the pigs.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's
pollution.
Happy is the bride who
gets all the presents.
A penny saved is
not much.
Two is company, three's
The Musketeers.
None are so blind as
Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
You get out of something what you
see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
There is no fool like
Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess
I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. Age 11
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a
lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
days saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it,
the blood would be right there. Age 5
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. Age 15
Thinking about having children? True preparation for parenthood at any
age:
Lesson 1
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their...
Methods of discipline.
Lack of patience.
Appallingly low tolerance levels.
Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be
the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
Set the alarm for 3AM.
As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
Go to bed at 2:45AM.
Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowered.
Then rub them on the clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. To demonstrate:
Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms are
hanging out.
Time allowed for this...all morning.
Lesson 6
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator.
Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape
and
a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
Last take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Instead:
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there until you trade in the car (don't worry, it won't hang
the overall value one bit).
Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect!
Lesson 8
Get ready to go out.
Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
Go out the front door.
Come in again.
Go out.
Come back in.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lessons 9 and 10
Repeat the following at least, if not more than, five times:
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a preschool child (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.
Lesson 11
Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
Pour half of the remaining cereal into your lap. Throw the rest up in
the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, Beetleborgs and Disney. Watch
nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Lesson 13
Practice diaper changing and toilet training:
Move to the tropics.
Find or make a compost pile.
Dig down about halfway in and stick your nose in it.
Repeat steps 1-3 three to five times a day for two years.
Take a shovel-full of the compost and put in your toilet.
Leave it there for 12 hours, then flush it.
Do steps 5 and 6 for another 6 months.
Repeat step 5.
Add a roll of unrolled toilet paper.
Flush the toilet immediately.
Repeat steps 8 and 9 for another year.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. Important:
No more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; Occasional crescendo
to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
tug on your skirt hem, shirtsleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape
made from Lesson FOURTEEN above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.
Lesson 16
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important
meeting.
Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
Stir.
Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
Do NOT change. You have no time.
Go directly to work.
Lesson 17
Go for a ride, but first...
Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
child seat.
The Truth About History - Bloopers