The Things Students DoTravelling AmericansBe CarefulSir Alex Ferguson on WWTBAMBathroomStupid Signs
The Things Students Do
Travelling Americans
Be Careful
Sir Alex Ferguson on WWTBAM
Bathroom
Stupid Signs
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Big Joke List
Risking Your Life For Science
I've seen grad students risk their lives for thesis data. And--other things. Recalling the marine biology grad student who decided that the perfect way to non-reactively observe behavior in Steller sea lions was to go out among them in a sea lion suit. Because the bulls are so huge, he disguised himself as a female. Also because the bulls are so huge, he got grabbed and added to a harem in short order, and escape was difficult.
For someone who had wanted to study sea lion behavior, he seemed very reluctant to talk about it, even though we were very curious and encouraged him.
Playing Football
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Actual comments from US travel agents
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up from being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the information, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrent says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?"
Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."
Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrent phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrent from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds.
The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".
"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Fergie. "Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."
"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across.
"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.
"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."
While driving back from North Carolina, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom.
The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...
"Hi there, how is it going?" Ok I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad..."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back east..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question - this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me"
Now where the hell did I put mine?
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign".
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a Pickford's lorry in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a mate of mine, we pulled his boat into the bank, I lifted up this big whiting and this idiot on the bank goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a man inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".
Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my car into a Quick Fit. The mechanic walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A man came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Learned to drive a lorry in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I phoned in for help and eventually a policeman shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Ok. No problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So. Is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the truck and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a colleague looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?