Top 12 Homicides of the yearMore IdiotsG.W.Bush the idiotFamily Mis-FortunesTake 'em out of the gene pool1999 Ig Nobel AwardsHelenismsWinners of the Brainless Olympics!Dubya's PrincipleDrunk In Charge
Top 12 Homicides of the year
More Idiots
G.W.Bush the idiot
Family Mis-Fortunes
Take 'em out of the gene pool
1999 Ig Nobel Awards
Helenisms
Winners of the Brainless Olympics!
Dubya's Principle
Drunk In Charge
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Big Joke List
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of theYear.
1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife,armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter,who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, bindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation
in toxicology at the poison control center. Today,
this woman called in very upset because she caught
her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and
there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of
the conversation happened to mention that she gave
her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring
her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on
the airfield decided to steal a life raft from
one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it
for a float on the river, a Coast Guard
helicopter coming towards them surprised them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
the emergency locator beacon which activated
when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the
paint might run.
Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting
to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't
the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could not accept his stickup note because it
was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and
left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail
a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph
of $40. Several days later, he received a letter
from the police that contained another picture,
this time of handcuffs. He immediatly mailed in
his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something worth thinking
about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a
shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash
drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are
over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn't
believe him. At this point the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it
to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier
promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give
this guy his!)
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one
shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit
shot him.
(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured
it out himself.)
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block
and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell." And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Here in the UK we have a quiz show called Family Fortunes.
Prior to the show, 100 members of the public have been asked to
answer a simple question
e.g. What might you ride to work?
Answers you might expect would be bus, bicycle etc.
During the quiz, one of the teams, consisting of four family members, is asked the same question. They have to give an answer which matches a popular answer given by the public.
Remember, thease are REALLY easy questions.
Here are some real questions, and real answers from the show:-
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorize
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
When I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you
need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries
it's a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
The 1999 Ig Nobel Prizes were awarded at a gala ceremony at Harvard's Sanders Theatre on the night of September 30. Here are the new winners:
SOCIOLOGY: Steve Penfold, of York University in Toronto, for doing his PhD thesis on the sociology of Canadian donut shops.
PHYSICS: Dr. Len Fisher of Bath, England and Sydney, Australia for
calculating the optimal way to dunk a biscuit.
..and...
Professor Jean-Marc Vanden-Broeck of the University of East Anglia, England,
and Belgium, for calculating how to make a teapot spout that does not drip.
LITERATURE: The British Standards Institution for its six-page specification (BS-6008) of the proper way to make a cup of tea.
SCIENCE EDUCATION: The Kansas Board of Education and the Colorado State Board of Education, for mandating that children should not believe in Darwin's theory of evolution any more than they believe in Newton's theory of gravitation, Faraday's and Maxwell's theory of electromagnetism, or Pasteur's theory that germs cause disease. The story about the Kansas Board of Ed meeting, featuring a guy in a gorilla suit and visiting Hare Krishnas was both religious and humorous.
MEDICINE: Dr. Arvid Vatle of Stord, Norway, for carefully collecting, classifying, and contemplating which kinds of containers his patients chose when submitting urine samples.
CHEMISTRY: Takeshi Makino, president of The Safety Detective Agency in Osaka, Japan, for his involvement with S-Check, an infidelity detection spray that wives can apply to their husbands' underwear.
BIOLOGY: Paul Bosland of The Chile Pepper Institute, at New Mexico State University, Las Cruces, New Mexico, for breeding a spiceless jalapeno chile pepper.
ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION: Hyuk-ho Kwon of Kolon Company of Seoul, Korea, for inventing the self-perfuming business suit.
PEACE: Charl Fourie and Michelle Wong of Johannesburg, South Africa, for inventing an automobile burglar alarm consisting of a detection circuit and a flamethrower.
MANAGED HEALTH CARE: The late George and Charlotte Blonsky of New York City and San Jose, California, for inventing a device (US Patent #3,216,423) to aid women in giving birth -- the woman is strapped onto a circular table, and the table is then rotated at high speed.
For details, see the AIR web site http://www.improbable.com
CO-CONSPIRATORS: Thanks to the Harvard Computer Society (HCS) and the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Society (HRSFA), who co-sponsored the ceremony together with the Annals of Improbable Research.
VIDEOCAST: Special thanks go to http://www.hmsbeagle.com and to the Alchemist (http://www.ChemWeb.com) for making possible the splendid live Internet telecast. You can see video of the ceremony at www.improbable.com
Coming second in the 2001 UK Big Brother competition was Helen Adams, a hairdresser from Cwmbran, Gwent, Wales. She endeared herself to the British population with her exuberance, innocence, and general dizziness. Some of her most famous moments have become known as Helenisms.....
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Recent developments in artificial intelligence have led to the discovery of the Law of the Conservation of Intelligence, or "Dubya's Principle" as it's come to be known, which (Let's put it simply so everybody can understand.) states that the total amount of intelligence in existence is an unvarying constant. That is to say, intelligence can neither be created nor destroyed.
This plain principle has some disturbing implications for an era fascinated by the potential for making smart bombs and intelligent refrigerators because making dumb things smart has the unfortunate and inevitable effect of making other things stupid.
The poor Beef Growers have simply lost enough elementary smart particles (or "nerdons" in the technical vocabulary of AI) that their oppositely charged particles ("morons") have come to dominate the fundamental structure of their brains. Scientists have yet to issue any public warnings on the issue, but it is becoming increasingly clear that we are rapidly entering an age of artificial stupidity.
Interesting legal point about drink driving - you can be charged for being in possesion of your car keys *near* your car if you are drunk. A bit weird. So sleeping in your car when drunk is technically illegal.
Open the car, hurl keys into a nearby hedge and settle down for a good alcohol aided, legal, night's sleep. Wake up the next morning unable to find your car keys and wonder just how drunk you must have been to heed the advice off some humorous website.