Medical Jokes

Second Opinion
Answering Service
One from my medical files
Doctor's Notes on Patient's Charts: (Actual notes - unedited)
Anecdotes from Nurses
OCEMAs (Overly Creative Emergency Medical Acronyms)
More OCEMAs
Don't lick your envelopes!

Big Joke List

Second Opinion

Doctor : I'm very sorry, but I have some very bad news for you.

Patient : That's OK doc, just tell me.

Doctor : I'm afraid you've only got six weeks to live.

Patient : What! I demand a second opinion!

Doctor : Hmm, OK, You're ugly!

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Answering Service

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, National Health number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

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One from my medical files

It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals.

• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Doctor's Notes on Patient's Charts: (Actual notes - unedited)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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Anecdotes from Nurses

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both", I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient claimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear.

Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." [what a way to go!]

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they uthed to be," remorsed the patient.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.

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OCEMAs (Overly Creative Emergency Medical Acronyms)

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

• Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
• Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
• Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shreds), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
• HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
• Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use is not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
• Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
• The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen" or "residentially challenged", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as the "PVC Challenge".
• And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records).

Thank You.

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More OCEMAs

• Gastroscopy = Swallowing the Black Adder
• Sigmoidoscopy = A ride on the silver rocket
• NFN = Normal for Norfolk
• WRN = Wearing Red Nickers
• TTFO = Too Trivial For Opinion, or, Told To Fuck Off.
• J P FROG = Just Plain Fucking Run Outta Gas
• FUBAR BUNDY = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
• Ano-cubital astereognosis = Can't tell his arse from his elbow

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Don't lick your envelopes!

Here's something to think about. If you lick your envelopes...You won't anymore!!!

A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong.

Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump.

He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

This was a true story reported on CNN

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