Cat Jokes - Page 8

Cat Rules
Feline Numerology
Quotes and thoughts about cats and kittens
What Is A True Cat?
Cat Rescue. Oops!
Kitty Litter Technology

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Cat Rules

The cat is not allowed in the house.
The cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
The cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.
The cat can get on the old furniture only.
The cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.
The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.
The cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.
Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow.
The cat gives humans a haughty and dismissive look whenever they deign to use the cat's pillow.

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Feline Numerology

Instructions

To begin, you need to change your cat's name into numbers. To do so, use the name you commonly call your pet, not necessarily their "given" name. If your cat's name is Princess but you call her Prin, then use Prin.

Use the charge below to change each letter of your cat's name into it's equivalent number. You will then add the numbers together (as in the example) until you reach a single digit number. That single digit number will help you identify your cat's purrsonality!

1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I
J	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R
S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

Example

Using the example mentioned above. If your cat is named Princess, but you call her Prin. Changing "Prin" into numbers gives us 7 for P, 9 for R, 9 for I and 5 for N.

We must now add those 4 numbers together: 7+9+9+5=30

Since 30 is a two digit number (and we need to end with a one digit number) you will now add those two digits together to determine your final one digit number.

3+0=3

Prin's numerology number is 3!

What it Means

Review the numbers below to match your cats purrsonality with their numerology number.

This aloof kitty prefers time alone. But a surprise lurks beneath the aloof exterior! This kitty needs plenty of play and praise. This kitty is smart and courageous, but also very stubborn. You must earn this cat's love by giving him space when he wants it, and closeness when he wants it.
This cat is extremely sensitive. He reacts to the emotions and body language of the people around him and often appears to read your mind. This cat is fussy about his food and is a meticulous groomer. The Two is happiest when living with another animal, and needs a lot of attention and affection from you.
The best word for a Three is "sociable." This cat wants attention from everyone! This cat is adaptable to new situations and new people, and can take all change in stride as long as you are by his side.
Four loves routine, and he has his favorite spots in his house and his favorite people and favorite toys. This cat likes to be wherever you are. He's very even-tempered, except when you break his routine by being late for his evening meal.
Five is adventurous and fickle, with more bravery than sense. He can travel far, far from home if he isn't watched closely. This kitty loves to snuggle with you, but only on his terms. No one ever truly owns this cat!
Six is loyal and faithful, and will be by your side as long as she knows you love her. This cat loves to be in your lap whenever you sit down. She's very kind and is tolerant of children.
Seven is a discerning animal. Once you've earned his friendship, he is very affectionate. He's also naturally curious and has definite opinions about those who visit your home. (Trust him -- his judgement about people is downright uncanny!)
This cat may appear to be sleeping, but he's actually thinking great thoughts. Eight is the feline philosopher and he expects you to make a fuss over him! He becomes quite cross when ignored. (Like many humans, he's a pushover for a good meal.)
This cat is a showoff and is always at the center of attention. If he's allowed to travel the neighborhood, he might bring home strays. (And expect you to adore him for it.) When you look into Nine's eyes, you'll swear you knew him before...in another place and time.

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Quotes and thoughts about cats and kittens

Although all cat games have their rules and rituals, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue. (Sidney Denham)

I suspect that many an ailurophobe (a person who fears or hates cats) hates cats only because he feels they are better people than he is -- more honest, more secure, more loved, more whatever he is not. (Winifred Carriere)

Anyone who claims that a cat cannot give a dirty look either has never kept a cat or is singularly unobservant. (Maurice Burton)

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch. (Leo Dworken)

I allow my cats to express themselves, never interfere with their romances, and raise them with dogs to broaden their outlook. (Murray Robinson)

Cats are love on four legs. (Richard Torregrossa)

God made the cat in order to give man the pleasure of petting the tiger. (Anonymous)

Cats seem to go on the principal that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. (Joseph Wood Krutch)

A cat's a cat and that's that. (African Proverb)

He who denies the cat skimmed milk must give the mouse cream. (Cat Proverb)

A cat pent up becomes a lion. (Cat Proverb)

The cat loves fish but does not wish to wet its feet. (Cat Proverb)

To respect a cat is the beginning of the aesthetic sense. (Erasmus Darwin)

There is no more intrepid explorer than a kitten. (Champfleury)

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. (Joseph Wood Krutch)

Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. They slip, diminished, neat, through loopholes less than themselves. (A.S.J. Tessimond)

Cats don't have to be put on pedestals - they put themselves there. (Anonymous)

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. (Mark Twain)

For he purrs in thankfulness when God tells him he is a good cat. (Christopher Smart)

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. (Joseph Wood Krutch)

The smallest feline is a masterpiece. (Leonardo da Vinci)

Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you. (Mary Bly)

In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats. (English Proverb)

Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. They slip, diminished, neat, through loopholes less than themselves. (A.S.J. Tessimond)

Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow. (George Will)

The cat has nine lives: three for playing, three for straying, three for staying. (English Proverb)

There is, indeed, no single quality of the cat that man could not emulate to his advantage. (Carl Van Vechten)

The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a domestic animal. (Sir Compton Mackenzie)

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. that one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. (Mark Twain)

Once cats were all wild, but afterward they retired to houses. (Edward Topsell)

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. (Hippolyte Taine)

Our character is what God and cats know of us. (Inspired by Thomas Paine)

Cats don't have to be put on pedestals -- they put themselves there. (Anonymous)

A world without cats...I dare not think of it. (Anonymous)

My cat the clown: paying no mind to whom he should impress. Merely living his life, doing what pleases him, and making me smile. (Anonymous)

A cat makes coming home something to look forward to.

A cat's camaraderie is something to be earned, like trust and respect.

When the owner's away, the cat will play!

The cat pretends to sleep, the better to see. (Francois-Auguste Rene de Chateaubriand)

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. (Mark Twain)

The only thing better than getting a cat is already having gotten one! (From a plaque hanging on the Smith's front door)

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What Is A True Cat?

A true car purrs only to please itself.
A true cat will endure discomfort for hours and wait patiently until 3 a.m. to cough up a hairball on your bed.
A true cat always comes between you and your newspaper.
A true cat has a Houdini-like repertoire of ways to slip out of a collar and dozens of places to hide it where you'll never find it again.
A true cat would rather eat what you're having, even it what you fixed for him is better that what you fixed for yourself.
A true cat knows his name but will never acknowledge it.
A true cat likes to roll around in the dirt, especially if she's just had a shampoo.
That's because true cats prefer to do their own grooming.
A true cat enjoys catching, tormenting and killing small furry creatures and leaving them as gifts for her owner especially if her owner is a vegetarian, or so it seems.
True cats prefer to eat from the same china you use, not out of cute bowls with "Kitty" or "Tune Breath" written on the sides.
That's because true cats hate being condescended to.
And true cats don't require a parsley garnish with their dinner like that cat in the ad. They'd rather eat the grass.
A true cat never fawns.
Or begs.
Or grovels.
True cats have perfected the guilt-provoking stare.
A true cat prefers to sharpen his claws on authentic imported oriental carpets, not cheap imitation knock-offs.
A true cat is often willing to make a fool of herself, but only on her own terms.
You may think you picked a true cat, but the fact is a true cat picked you.
That's because a true cat is always the cutest, smartest kitten in the litter.
Or the cutest, smartest cat in the shelter.
Or the cutest, smartest cat who shows up full grown at your door and moves in.
True cats love anything that smells bad. The worse it smells the better they like it.
A true cat prefers your flower bed to her litter box.
A true cat isn't declawed.
And if by chance a true cat is declawed, he acts as though he wasn't.
A true cat never willingly laps up hairball remedy, no matter what the instructions on the package say.
A true cat can find and discard the smallest pill in the largest heap of food.
That's why administering a pill to a true cat is a two-person job. Sometimes a three-person job.
A true cat doesn't do tricks.
A true cat has hiding places you'll never find.
A true cat abhors a closed door.
When caught misbehaving a true cat pretends he was doing something else.
A true cat is sociable. He loves parties, especially the hors d'oeuvres.
A true cat keeps a collection of vintage catnip mice hidden under the furniture and takes them out occasionally to see how they're aging.
A true cat doesn't care to learn how to use your toilet. Would you want to share his litter box?

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Cat Rescue. Oops!

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat from a tree. Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".

Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and essential community function.

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Kitty Litter Technology

A couple of weeks ago, I succumbed to an ill-begotten urge to purchase an electric cat box.

That's right, an electric cat box. You heard right.

Here's the concept: the cat box is equipped with a disposable container, a sensor, a timer & a mechanized "rake". When the cat makes a 'deposit", the sensor recognizes the event, the timer allows a respectful interval to elapse, and the rake then drags itself through the cat litter and deposits the waste in the disposable container. Every few days, one replaces the disposable container and the kitty litter chores are done.

Now, just to get this out of the way, yes, it was expensive. $80 for this bit of frivolity, but I figured I was darn well worth it.

It did, however, present a bit of a learning curve for the kitties, who had been used to one sort of litter; the new kitty box required clump-able litter. This stuff is rather like sand, but when in contact with litter, a clump is formed. Initially, however, Ling thought it was some sort of a spa: he leaped into the litter box and rolled around in it like he was trying to cover every atom of his fur with litter. He then promptly curled up in the box and took a nap.

Not to be daunted by this, however, I decided to help the cats to learn the true purpose of the electric litter pan. Being a nurse - and a resourceful one at that - I produced a small urine sample in a disposable dixie cup and poured this in the pan to the amazement of the kitty crew. They stared transfixed at the lump as it coalesced there, and watched in total awe as the mechanical arm drug the rake through the litter and deposited my sample into the disposable bin. Thereafter, the cats were totally enthralled by this new device and quickly began to use the pan exclusively. We rarely saw them after that. If by chance their attention spans waned before the raking process started, they would run from any portion of the house after hearing the motor begin and stare in rapt glee as the evidence of their potty habits vanished into the bin.

And yes, you are correct, there IS more to this tale.

The "rake" is attached to the mechanical arm that powers it back & forth through the litter by means of a snap-in attachment that, after the second "sweep", neither snapped in nor attached on one side of the box. At first this was a fairly minor irritation, but over time, it became more and more of an issue.

Initially, small bits of cat litter were gently deposited on the other side of the bin, i.e. on the floor outside of the box. Soon the level of enthusiasm generated by the rake escalated, however. And now we had a new form of entertainment for the feline family members:

The great American shit toss.

Yes indeed, soon the rake began to drag so badly on one side of the box that it would lag well behind the rest of the process until rounding the corner to (allegedly) deposit the turds in the bin. As a result, it became the kitty litter equivalent of Babe Ruth.

The cats were endlessly fascinated by this new permutation. They determined ONLY to poop on that side of the box, and to poop in petite amounts. I think they were taking bets on distance before this whole sad event concluded.

And they are in DEEP mourning now that we switched back to the old manual system.

By Sue Roth - Dec 19 2002

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