Calling in SickCats And DogsKitty litter CakeFavorite Feline GamesFavorite Cat ToysOne-LinersSlow LearnerCat Training?The ABC of Cat TriviaI learned all I need to know from my cat!
Calling in Sick
Cats And Dogs
Kitty litter Cake
Favorite Feline Games
Favorite Cat Toys
One-Liners
Slow Learner
Cat Training?
The ABC of Cat Trivia
I learned all I need to know from my cat!
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Big Joke List
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
What is a Cat?
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
A purrfect party cake, made to look like a litter box!
(Great for your cat's next birthday party!)
Ingredients
Directions
Prepare cake mixes per package directions. Bake them in any shape pan you'd like, you'll be breaking them up later on, so it doesn't matter what they look like. Prepare pudding mix per package directions. Refrigerate until well chilled. You may or may not need the entire package (save the leftovers to eat later on.)
Put the cookies into your food processor (with the filling). Pulse until the cookies are crushed. Don't over-do it, this is suppose to look like kitty litter. Scrape the sides of the processor bowl often, the crumbs tend to stick. You'll need to do this in small batches.
Add a few drops of green food coloring to one cup of the cookie crumbs. (This is the chlorophyll in the kitty litter.) You can put the crumbs into a jar, add the food coloring, and shake until it's fairly well mixed.
When the cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining (uncolored) cookie crumbs and enough of the pudding to make the mixture moist, but not soggy.
Line the kitty litter box with the new liner; add the cake/pudding mixture and spread it out. Unwrap three of the Tootsie Rolls and heat them in the microwave until they are soft and pliable; don't melt them! Shape blunt ends into slightly curved points (use your imagination). Repeat with three more Tootsie Rolls. Bury the shaped Tootsie Rolls in the cake mixture, allowing some of them to stick out of the top at random intervals. (Again, use your imagination.)
Sprinkle the remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter the green crumbs lightly over the top. Heat the remaining six Tootsie Rolls, three at a time, in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them over the top of the cake and sprinkling with crumbs from the box.
"Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, thought no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either one of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddling up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys: Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors; Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse says, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
My husband said it was him or the cat.
I miss him sometimes.
Q. What do you use to perk up a cat?
A. A catatonic.
Q. What do you use to comb a cat?
A. A catacomb
Q. What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A. One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
A woman walked into the pet store. "I haven't got much money", she told the clerk, "so I'd like to know if you've got any kittens you'll let go cheap".
"I'd let them, Ma'am." said the clerk, "but they prefer to meow".
Q. What do you call a cat that gets up when the alarm goes off?
A. Catsup!!
Q: Where does a cat go that has lost its tail?
A: A retail store
Q: What does a cat that lives at the beach have in common with Christmas?
A: Sandy claws
I once read a column about a guy whose cat brought him so many live mice that he was about to lose his mind. So he writes to our pet columnist guy and says, "Hey, I'm losing my mind here. What's with all these live mice?"
The pet columnist tells him, "Sorry, Charlie, she thinks that you are a pretty dense kitten. She's trying to teach you to survive. If you want her to stop, you'll have to pick up the mouse IN YOUR MOUTH to prove you've got her message." Haha, say most of us, what kind of a dink would do that, haha.
Time passes.
Then the guy writes back in. He's done it. He's gotten down on his kitchen floor, batted the poor little mouse with his hands and picked it up IN HIS MOUTH (ack! phleck!), and shaken it about to prove he gets it.
His cat, he reported, went berserk. She purred, she head butted, she kneaded him, she praised him in no uncertain terms. She was so THRILLED with her slow boy. She then pranced away. And never brought him another live critter again.
I guess it might be a solution...but then again, just how BIG a problem is it, after all?
Contrary to popular belief, cats do understand orders. You would assume that if this is so, that they would be trainable. Au contraire! They do pay attention to instructions, and they understand plain English as well as the next person, usually even waiting for you to finish your sentences. This must be true; how else can you explain their immediately doing the opposite? The trick here, then, is plain; to get a cat to do what's required, you must tell them you want the opposite. Reverse cat-chology, so to speak. Sounds logical, doesn't it? Too bad it doesn't work against a creature that can be depended on to do the opposite of, not only what you SAY, but of what you're thinking.
by S. Sackett