Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you don't even have
to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or
not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you're going to finance your
kitten's college education.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't
married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the
father is.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got
a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."
- Lazarus Long
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a cat."
- Franklin P. Jones
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
- Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to
pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and
get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject
to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him
sometimes."
Instant Transition (2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of on
site ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this
period. Since MOM CAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the
operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the
unit and/or serious injury to the end user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the
unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the
system. Bugs are indiCATive of the MOM CAT production environment. The user may
manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 70°F (±3° tolerance). Use
a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the
CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program Katfind® by displaying the input
bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry
energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to transfer
BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self
learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode.
This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory.
After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing,
sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT
system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive
burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer
unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH
iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, fatal
errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a
READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized
repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to
bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CAT's a secret password as
well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective,
it is discouraged.
AppliCATions:
At present, there are few productivity appliCATions for CAT.
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Most owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are new.
Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility.
Some CAT games are:
CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object
must be smaller.
JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of
operation.
MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units
may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one
is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance:
CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with
alcohol or benzene-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits
unusual smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female SCSI port. If
the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove
this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The
VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run
UNIX.
Warning Notices:
CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain
documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never
attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to mil specs and thus
classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio
operators to be apparently moving at 500 MHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors
have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for
injuries to the user.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric
shock, stand on an insulated surface.
Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.
Carry the CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail."
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get
a second unit, to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
User Groups:
CAT users can find other users and FAQ on the Usenet Newsgroup:
rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against CATastrophic failure. Nine
coupons are included.
Documented Problems:
The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to
serious performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to
disappear.
System Features:
Models:
Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest
footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and
19 inch sizes.
Interface:
Touch sensitive interface for maximum user
friendliness.
Memory:
Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime:
15 years (although 20 years is common).
Weight:
10 to 16 lbs... without optional cables.
Speed:
3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting
supertwist technology.
Color Graphics:
Either paper white, monochrome
(black/white), 64 gray shades, or maximum of 16 million
colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point
pixels.
Sound Chip:
16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumption:
250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms
per second.)
Operating Range:
-22° to +105°F
Vibration:
5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance
points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support:
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help
you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.
The Way To A Woman's Heart .... is through her cat
So, you're dating a gal who shares her residence with a cat. If your relationship is going
to get anywhere, I encourage you to follow each of these suggestions:
Never, ever mention that you can (or can't) smell the litter box.
If the kitten wants to spend an hour untying your shoelace, let
him. When he gets it untied, retie it so he can continue playing.
Never make a big show of brushing the cat fur from your slacks.
Get in the habit of putting a couple of sardines in your pocket.
Slip them to the cat when she isn't watching. (Note: you may have to do this through
the entire dating period, because the cat will likely go for your pocket each time you visit.)
Don't push the cat off the sofa if he's inserted himself between
the two of you. If he's still sitting between the two of you when
you get amorous, reassure him (mental telepathy is fine) that you
have no harmful intentions against his companion, and move him
gently to your lap. Try to keep one hand stroking the cat at all
times in this situation.
If you're spending the night, do yourself a favor and don't even TRY to sleep in the
cat's favorite spot on the bed.
When you phone her, ask about her cat.
When she leaves the room to fix cocktails or check on dinner, ask
her if she's got a cat toy handy so you can keep the cat entertained.
If you're taking her out to dinner, ask her if it's okay to bring
home a "cat bag" of leftovers for the cat.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."
When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.
The following is excerpted from a text used in our graduate program in special education. Unfortunately, I
only have my copy of the page, and have lost the cite. Perhaps someone out there in the special ed field will
recognize it.............Anyway, it starts off kinda slow, but I think you'll enjoy it.
To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979)
developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and
aides. It involves three simple steps;
Place testee in empty room facing far wall;
Place cat into center of room, close and latch door;
After 10 minutes, open the door.
Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between subclassifications of
emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of
room - cat alive, but cold.
SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - Fur scattered randomly about room and on testee - cat alive, still
cold.
MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - Pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat
terminated.
MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - Pieces of testee scattered randomly about
room - emotional stability of cat suspect.
PARANOID REACTION - Testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in
center of room.
PSYCOPATHOLOGY - Only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat
assumed terminated.
SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - Testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion
with cat - cat alive, but confused.
NEUROTIC REACTION - Testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and
still confused.
CATATONIC REACTION - Testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing and
refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive, confused, and sexually aroused.
Why Kittens Are Better Than Babies