I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow
I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww
Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww
I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow
Play with me.
Miaowmioaw
Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw
Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww
I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww
I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
Roww-maww-roww
I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
gakk-ak-ak
My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow
Snuggling is a good idea.
moww
Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww!
I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
Miaow! Miaow!
I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
Mraakk!
Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssRoww!
I believe that I have found a woodchuck or similar animal.
mmmrowmmm
It is certain that the best tasting fish is one you have caught yourself.
mmmmmmm
If I sit in the sunshine for another hour or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Mreoaw
Please ask room service to send up another can of tunafish.
Mreeeow
Do you serve catnip with that?
mroow
I have forced my body into a tiny space in order to look cute. How'm I doin?
Miaooww! Mriaow!
Since you are using the can opener, I am certain that you understand the value of a well-fed and pampered cat. Please continue.
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the
stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and,
suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of
butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just
rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages:
$28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had
taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the
3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches.
My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was
I to know the was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines:
$55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and
touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket
to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount
must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the
Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a
discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip
takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping
paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in
her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle
of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally
strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After paying through the
whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the
holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer
Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the
power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful
Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately,
it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should
have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas
Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas........
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life,
when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly
imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and
whispers in her ear:
God Created DOG to LOVE Man and CAT to teach him HUMILITY
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal
Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you
anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see
me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was
pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I
have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot
think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And
God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam
has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and
who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is
not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam
gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned
humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
A five step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor
the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous
task.
You will need:
A cat
A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you)
200 meters of band aids
Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot
Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist
Five or six SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer)
A strong death wish
Getting Started
First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:
Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat
claws.
Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in
general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the
skin off your body.
Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can
think of, so should you.
Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well-known fact that any cat is
smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.
Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be
aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, cat bathing.
Step 1
Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the
cat has no idea of your foul intentions. If there is a soft purring sound, you are safe. If the cat just
stares at you with a suspicious look ... DROP IT AND RUN!
Step 2
Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down
next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not
like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of 'em, check your
hands / face / arms / shoulders / legs / back / groin / butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up
until the cat has started purring. Put your sole in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is
involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the
next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good
job.
Step 3
Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat
that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him
into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed on
young human specimen. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should
hire professionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs
should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what
I mean.
Step 4
Try to throw cat into bathtub.
Remove cat from scalp.
Consider getting a new cat.
Push cat into tub.
Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
Consider getting a new cat.
Put duct tape on cat's claws.
Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends' reproductive organs.
Consider getting a new cat.
Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while
soaping him up.
Remove Dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: very
hard).
Consider getting a new cat.
Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.
Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon.
Consider getting a new cat.
Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
Consider getting a dog.
Step 5
Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call Guinness Book of Records.
Congratulations! Your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally
cook for dinner.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome
me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask
for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes."
--Anonymous
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Anonymous
Cat Taglines
