Animal Jokes - Page 1

Tortoise Mugging
Dog Resolutions
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Frog Joke
Aardvark
Parrot
Dog Wisdom
Gym Rabbit
Vampire Bats
Blind Deer

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Big Joke List

Tortoise Mugging

A tortoise is walking down the garden path one evening after a night down atthe lettuces, when all of a sudden a gang of slugs jump him. The slugs arepart of a local gang and are armed to the teeth with knives, guns and chains. "Hand over your wallet!" one slug orders him - and the tortoise scared stiff does all they say. Later on, the tortoise is down the police station to report the crime. He is still a bit shaken but the policeman sits him down and asks him what happened. "I don't remember officer," the tortoise worriedly replied, "it all happened so fast!"

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Dog Resolutions

• I will not play tug-of-war with Master's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The bin men are NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal shit or licking my privates.
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• The nappy bucket is not a cookie jar.
• I will not wake Mistress up by sticking my cold, wet nose on her bottom end.
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my humans will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not steal my Mistresses underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are my human's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for the Master's drivers license.

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How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one! And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!

Dachshund: I can't even reach the stupid lamp.

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he'll do it. By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze dah-ling, let the servants.......

Labrador: Oh me, me, pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I, huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero taco bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, it's right there....

Greyhound: It isn't moving; who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

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Frog Joke

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."

The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

....."No," replied the psychic, "Next term in her biology class."

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Aardvark

Q. What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting beaten up?

A. a vark

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Parrot

A man recently received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. He tried hard to change the birds attitude-saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.

Suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. He was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions; I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

The man was astonished at the bird's changed attitude and was about to ask what brought this phenomenal transformation when the parrot continued, "May I ask what it was that the chicken did?"

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Dog Wisdom

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn stuff like.....

• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

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Gym Rabbit

Q. What the difference between a rabbit doing press-ups and a rabbit with a daffodil in his ear?

A. One's a fit bunny and the other's a bit funny.

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Vampire Bats

SCENE: In a cave 2pm one afternoon.

1st vampire bat: I don't know about you, but I'm getting very hungry.

2nd vampire bat: Same here.

1st: I have to go out and get something, I'm starving.

2nd: Look mate, we're vampire bats. We don't go out during the day. We'll go out later when it's nice and dim.

1st: It's no good - I've just got to go out.

2nd: Off you go then, but don't say I didn't warn you.

1st vampire bat flits out of the cave. Comes back an hour later, fresh blood dripping down his face (or rather up it since bats hang upside down).

2nd: Cor ! Where've you been ?

1st: Let me show you [..flits over to cave entrance..]. You see that boulder there [points with wing] ?

2nd: Yeah.

1st: You see the clearing beyond ?

2nd: Er.. yeah.

1st: You see that tree there ?

2nd: Errr.. yeah.

1st: I didn't !

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Blind Deer

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No idea.

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