A bit of Nostalgia 2022The Geography of a WomanLittle Red FiretruckAge Activated Attention Deficit DisorderNew doctorBoring the Kids
A bit of Nostalgia 2022
The Geography of a Woman
Little Red Firetruck
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
New doctor
Boring the Kids
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Big Joke List
This one is for my kids when they grow up
Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this...............
Close your eyes and go back in time...
Before the VR net or MSnux.
Before phasars, tasps and wireheads....
Way back........
I'm talking about Hide and Seek in B&Q.
The Tesco Home delivery Van
Pokemon
Butterscotch.
Skateboards, micro scooters
English Football on real grass.
S Club, Hoobs, James Bond, Beano and Dennis the Menace.
Hula Hoops - BBQ flavour,
jumping the stream, building dams.
when you could go out in the sun in summer.
the sky was blue not pink and grass grew so tall it had to be mown.
bubble gum was still legal
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from your own freezer
peaches and pears from tins.
Wait......
Watching Saturday morning MTV, The Simpsons, Robot Wars, being allowed to watch Red Dwarf
When there was fuel for cars and aeroplanes and you could get holidays in far off places.
when Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bees were found in the wild.
it was safe to lick Sticky fingers.
Trees.
Snow
having a special building for school, outside your house with other children
Running,
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?
The worst embarrassment was wearing nikes
Water balloons were not a dangerous weapon
the internet was free.
I'm not finished just yet.....
Eating strawberry fromage frais, triple choc cereal.
Remember when...
shoes were made from oil derivitives
Trainers lit up in the heels.
and you didn't have to wear them at school.
You knew everyone in your house - and you knew your parents.
It wasn't odd to have "best" friends who were real people.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.
When people owned a dog.
When 250p was decent pocket money
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a pound.
When sometimes you'd have the house to yourself.
It was magic when dad would be home at the weekend.
When it wasn't considered a great privilege to eat dinner at home with your parents.
When a parent would discipline their kid, feed him and allow him to carry groceries without anyone elses permission.
When you were sent to the head's office instead of receiving demerits by email.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it was because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Not the end of the world through environmental breakdown, resource wars, multigenerational debt and virus weapons
Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
Remember when....
Decisions were made without software
"Race issue" meant coloured people living in your town not Mongol hoards at the border
Each country had their own sort of money.
There was only one opposite sex.
It wasn't unbelievable that the British won an Olympic event.
Mum was pretty without paying for it.
Scrapes and bruises were not life threatening
Cannabis was not taxed
Fat, Alcohol, Caffiene and Sugar was all available in a single drink.
Older siblings were full blood relations.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I DOUBLE-DARE YOU!!!
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the fire.
After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?
"Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the f*cking truck!"
I decide it's really time I washed the car. I start toward the garage and notice the post on the hall table. OK, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm quickly going to go through the post.
I put the car keys down on the table, separate the junk mail for immediate discarding and, as I open it, notice the dustbin is full. OK, I'll just pop the envelopes on my desk and take the bin out but, before they're forgotten, I'll write cheques for these few bills right away. Now, where is my chequebook? I think I last saw it in the bedroom. Not here! Perhaps it was in my jacket pocket. Oops, there's only one cheque left.
Now where did my wife put the new book she collected from the bank last week? Probably in the one of the desk drawers, so back to the study.
I open the top drawer. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those cheques, but first I need to move my coke away from the computer in case it's knocked over. I don't want sticky gunge all over the keyboard. Maybe I'll just pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for later.
I head towards the kitchen, but my potplants catch my eye. They badly need water. I put the coke on the counter and, uh-oh, there are my glasses! I was looking for them earlier this morning. I'd better put them away as soon as I've watered the plants! I fill a jug with water and head for the flower pots.
Aaaaaagh! Someone's left the TV remote in the kitchen. No one'll ever think of looking in the kitchen tonight when the family wants to watch the box, so I'd better put it back in the lounge where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and on to the floor. Eventually I find a cloth to wipe up the mess. Then I look for the place where I put down the remote. Ah, there it is! Finally, I head back down the hall, throwing the remote into a soft cushion on the sofa on the way. It slips down behind the cushion. What was it I was going to do?
End of the day: The car isn't washed; the bills are unpaid and the rest of the post unopened; the trashcan is full and a bit smelly; the coke is completely flat and undrinkable on the kitchen counter; the flowers are only half-watered; the new chequebook is still missing; I can't seem to find my car keys or my glasses; and the family is hunting high and low for the TV remote.
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG! I realize this is becoming serious and I'll definitely make an appointment immediately to talk to someone and get help...but, as I'm going to be using the telephone, first I think I'll just check my e-mail...
Hope you found something familiar in the above or am I alone? Hello! Hello!
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?",
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious stories about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year-round blizzards.
They carried their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local mill where they worked for 35p an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so f*ckin' easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. We wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the f*ckin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamn WH Smith's and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and f*ck it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the newsagent ! It was either that or jack-off to the lingerie section of your mum's Littlewood's catalogue!
Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, debt agency, your drug dealer or a pervert ! You didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the BBC Mirco ! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the cinema there no such thing as stepped seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ... D'ya hear what the f*ck I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled, I swear to God!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!