You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we put the clocks forward.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT
use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life (i.e., never
confuse having a career with having a life!).
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
An Engineer dies in a car accident on his 40th Birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a
beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and
absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter
himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the
gates, shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting
a long time for you!"
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the engineer sheepishly looks
at St. Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I
loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but Congratulations
for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I
was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" Says St. Peter, amazed at the man's modesty,
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God
himself wants to see you!"
The engineer is awe-struck and can only look at St. Peter with his mouth
agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at St. Peter and
says "St. Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I
would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."
"That's simply impossible," says St. Peter. "We've added up your time
sheets!"
You leave gigs before the encore to "beat the rush".
You own a lawnmower.
You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start
dreaming of having a son who might instead.
Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property
section.
You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
Flicking through Heat magazine makes you too tired to go out.
Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them
because they'll be all right for the garden.
You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it
Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the
newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving
properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an
electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man
for the car to deter would be thieves.
You start to worry about your parents' health.
You complain that ecstacy's "not as pure as it used to be" coz you
know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and
anyway, you might look a bit of a twat.
Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to
buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace
and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for
your child.
Pop music all starts to sound crap.
You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have
any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice
half-bottle of house white.
You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
You always have enough milk in.
To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and
franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have
not turned into your parents.
While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time
team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
You wish you had a shed.
You have a shed.
You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of
course, in my day...."
Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy young
has some really interesting guests on, you know.
Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,
you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging
baskets.
You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time,
and the indestructibility of the 20ies gives way to a realisation that
you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down
soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're
old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pissing your life up
against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're
destroying every time a cheeky one turns into 10, and look at that, a
full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much
as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown
in, and...................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
You use the phrase "I really must cut that lawn this weekend" for the
first time.
You know where the bathroom section of the local DIY Superstore is.
Parties are no longer only opportunities to get totally toasted out of
your mind but also a chance to see if you can rip off interior decorating
ideas as well.
"How hard a vacuum cleaner can suck" suddenly becomes a major issue in
your life (for some unknown reason).
You go from being stain tolerant to anti-stain-nazi.
You have enough money left to buy a six pack of beer, you are happy.
You buy a dinky little bathroom tidy instead.
You utter the immortal line: "Not that colour, it doesn't match the
theme of that room"
Door to door salesmen are no longer an annoyance; You are actually
interested in what they are selling.
The SO goes to Tuppleware parties rather than Ann Sommers parties. You
are eager to see what she buys.
Animals and children are not longer looked upon as being loveable;
They are home wreckers.
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/SleepingBeauty/Cheerleader or
if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom I can't go to
school looking like this!")
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix
it, she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,
too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes
anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't
even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers
the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out
and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out
to have fun with the world.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier!
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to
look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is
due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tyres.
Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
You know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would
put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make
person gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less
than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half
going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony.
You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you
REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT
Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's
an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
Dear Grandson,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book
store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling
choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did, what
an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots
of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!" What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I
heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach." I saw another guy
waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,
I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ...
why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and
sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I
was the only car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all
the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as
I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!! Will write again soon.
Love, Grandma
You know you've been out of Uni TOO LONG if ....