Square BallsRocky Mountain OystersApplied MathematicsFlying in a HurricaneState-of-the-art WatchA Sweet PerfumeCows and GolfDuct TapeVolvo DesignersKiddy Kart
Square Balls
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Applied Mathematics
Flying in a Hurricane
State-of-the-art Watch
A Sweet Perfume
Cows and Golf
Duct Tape
Volvo Designers
Kiddy Kart
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Big Joke List
Some time last month a little old lady walked into a bank to place a deposit of cash. She approached the counter and asked to see the manager. The assistant said that there was no need for just a small deposit but when the old lady showed her the bag containing the cash she called for the manager.
Out came the manager and invited her into his office. "How much would you like to deposit madam ?" he asked. "£13,480.00 "she replied. "That is a lot of cash to be taking across the street " he said, "how did you come by so much money ?"
"I place bets" she replied. "Oh ? and what kind of bets would they be? asked the bank manager. "I will give you an example" she commented and proceeded to open another bet.
"I bet you £1,000 that your balls are square" Well, naturally the bank manager could see he was onto a winner here so agreed to the bet. "I will be here at 10.00am tomorrow and will bring my solicitor as witness to check the bet."This was agreed, she placed her money in the account and left the bank.
That night the manager had hardly any sleep. He got up every hour, inspecting his testicles and confirmed that they were not square. However, the following morning......
As sure as the sun shines (even behind the clouds) at 10.00 the old lady turns up to her appointment with the bank manager, her solicitor in attendance.
She asks the bank manager if he is still happy with the bet and they both agreed the terms once again with the solicitor as witness.
She asks the manager if he would drop his pants so that she could check to which he complies. "May I feel them ?" she asks, the manage agrees and she feels them to check their shape.
Meanwhile the solicitor is banging his head against the wall with a worried look on his face. The bank manager asks..."What is wrong with him ?" The old lady replied..
"I bet him £5,000 that at 10.00am today I would be feeling the balls of the manager of the local High Street Bank !!!!!!!!!!
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Scene - junior classroom maths lesson.
Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"
Little Johnny:- "None Miss".
Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"
Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".
Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"
Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"
Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"
Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."
Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."
A charter flight was leaving the Dominican Republic shortly after a recent Caribbean hurricane. Weather in the area however was still pretty bad. The captain did his best to avoid the worst of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same, so rough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the cabin loudspeaker system.
"This is your captain speaking - that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it just fine, just as we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip back to England will be much smoother. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and co-operation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant trip back to Gatwick.
After a short pause and several clicks.
"Jesus Christ - what a bloody-awful ride! I could sure use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cockpit to inform the captain that his microphone was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Two essex birds walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean.
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. - That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but was too shy to?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible.", says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
This joke contains adult content, and has been moved here.
On a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pumps greets him in a typically Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top o the mornin' to yer, Sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. as he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, Son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replied Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything!"
A boy was riding along the street in a home-made cart pulled by a dog with a rope attached to the dog's genitals. On the side of the cart the boy had written "POLICE".
A passer-by watched with interest. When the cart stopped, he told the boy: "You know, your police car would go faster if you tied the rope around the dog's neck."
"I know," said the boy, "but I wouldn't get the cool siren."