Nuns and Blind ManAli G interviews Elton John..!!!Who's the Specialist?Little Miss DruggieMagic DildoMile High ClubOzarks of the world uniteBuilding A HouseTight ShoesDevout Parrots
Nuns and Blind Man
Ali G interviews Elton John..!!!
Who's the Specialist?
Little Miss Druggie
Magic Dildo
Mile High Club
Ozarks of the world unite
Building A House
Tight Shoes
Devout Parrots
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Big Joke List
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
(I believe this to be a spoof.)
Ali G: Alo! I is ere wiv none uver dan da batty boy of pop, John Elton. Respect.
Elton John: It's Elton John actually Ali.
Ali G: Aiih, whatever. So John, is you always been a batty boy cause I Erd dat you woz once married - although I also erd dat da missus was mingin?
Elton John: Well Ali if you mean have I always been gay then probably deep down I was, but maybe fought it because in my younger days especially it was not socially acceptable to be gay.
Ali G: Fer real, but when you was gettin' jiggy did you fink about People like James Dean and that Jonny Rottweiler who was tarzan so you wouldn't end up wiv a floppy or woz you trisexual and didn't care where you was stickin' Mr biggy?
Elton John: Again I probably fought hard to convince myself I wasn't gay so I never had a problem maintaining an erection with women. I now know I am homosexual so I would probably struggle to get aroused with a woman now.
Ali G: Wow, I fink I might be homosexual then cause Mr biggy wasn't coming out to play last Saturday night although ma Julie says it woz coz I drank a bottle of Dan Jackiels and had about 6 spliffs. I fink it woz coz me Julie isn't very subtractive now, in fact she's a dog.
Elton John: I think your Julie was right - it takes one to know one.
Ali G: Wot, is you saying me Julie is a batty boy? Nah, the bitch won't take it up the exit hole, I've tried slipping it in a few times. Happarently Julie is too nice a girl for batty sex but she's not too Nice for a threesome wiv me mate Dave - it woz wicked!
Elton John: Well a lot of women are not keen on anal sex just as I know some gay men who are not keen on it either. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you have to like it - there are other ways to express yourself sexually with another man.
Ali G: Eh? Like fellatilatio you mean or gaelic.
Elton John: Gaelic?
Ali G: Aiih, gaelic. When batty boys lick each other.
Elton John: Sure, oral sex is one way of pleasing a lover but sensual massage can be very enjoyable for example.
Ali G: But dat is a bit rank innit - ah mean you need to lose you're orange juice or what is da point? Anyways enough talk about homosapiens - i hear dat you spend killions of dosh every year on shopping. Is dat because you is a feminist?
Elton John: I do spend a lot of money on shopping yes, but I wouldn't describe myself as a feminist.
Ali G: But I thought dat all gay people were feminists?
Elton John: Eh?
Ali G: Chill. Anyway, is you related to dat lefty comedian Ben Elton Cause I fink he is rank.
Elton John: No, I told you before my name is Elton John and not John Elton.
Ali G: Cool, woz your parents spaced out when dey named you?
Elton John: No, that's not my real name but my stage name. Many performers change their names to try to sound more appealing to the public. Take Gary Glitter for example, his name is really Paul Gadd can you imagine the same guy selling so many records as Paul Gadd or me as Reg Dwight.
Ali G: Nah, but I can imagine him taking some poor kiddies up the Gary Glitter coz he's a paedovile innit. Anyways, talkin of sickos - how's yer mate George Michael - I would never let my son go down on him the preverted bastard.
Elton John: OK so George made a mistake - anyway I thought you said enough of the gay talk. I'd much rather you concentrated on another aspect of me.
Ali G: Me know what you is saying, sorry Mr Elton. OK then, does you not fink dat you looks rank wearing a wig? Ah mean you looked a total dick in the seventies wiv da shades but everyone looked like dicks in da seventies.
Elton John: If you're going to insult me any more I will walk out of the interview - I can put up with a lot but you're going too far
Ali G: Chill Johnny, no offence. OK - you re-wrote dat Candle in the Wind song when Princess Di got wasted, do you fink she was incinerated by da SAS on da Queens orders or do you fink it woz just down to dat pissed French c*nt.
Elton John: Really Ali, Princess Diana was a very dear personal friend of mine whom I loved very much - I don't want to discuss it.
Ali G: You loved her, but how could you if you is a batty boy? Is she a femisist or somefink?
Elton John: (Elton leaves the room)
Ali G: Nil respect to da menstral batty boy of pop - some people is just too sensidine. It must be all da years hangin wiv da homosapiens and havin his batty bashed. Anyways I is off for some erbal remedy wiv me boyz westside. Boyakasha
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said,
"Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said,
"You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
Little Miss Druggie
Sat in her buggy
Smoking a pipe of weed
Along came a spider
And skinned up beside her
And sold her some acid and speed.
One day, a man comes home late, and his wife asks: "Where have you been?"
"I had to work late, but I brought you a present!" he says.
"Well what is it?" she asks.
"It's a magic dildo," he replies, smiling.
"Magic dildo? What does it do?"
"Just watch," he says. He turns towards the bedroom door and says: "Magic dildo! Door!"
Amazingly, the magic dildo flies towards the door and starts banging against it until it bursts opens!
"Wow!" says the wife. The man leaves the room and the wife is alone with the dildo. She shouts: "Magic dildo, my pussy!" and the dildo flies up into her and starts pumping.
After about seven hours of this, the wife realizes she doesn't know how to stop the damn thing! She's driving herself to the hospital when a cop pulls her over for speeding.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" the cop asks.
The woman hurriedly explains: "I got a magic dildo in me and I can't get it out!"
The cop smirks at her and says: "Magic dildo my ass!"
A male and female on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first"
"It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on"
Sniff, sniff. "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took a interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and Lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless c*cksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the f*cking wood", replied the little girl.
It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night before boozing with his old Navy buddies, woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach, he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing, but they were 2 sizes too small.
Charles made it through the ceremony, then through the reception with his feet in agony the whole time, and finally with great relief, went upstairs with his new bride.
Their departure was noticed by the Queen and Queen Mother who followed them up and listened at the the door. First they heard, "Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo tight."
"I told you she was," said the Queen to the Queen Mother.
Then they heard, "Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better, and it was a lot tighter."
"Tsk tsk tsk," said the Queen Mother, "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered."