Some MistakeJungle WoesCosmetic SurgeryGary GlitterNew Scientific Unit - CopuleTop Secret War MemoPresidential Campaigning - Tipper Gore StyleFarmer JonesSpoonsOne Day Jane Met Tarzan ...
Some Mistake
Jungle Woes
Cosmetic Surgery
Gary Glitter
New Scientific Unit - Copule
Top Secret War Memo
Presidential Campaigning - Tipper Gore Style
Farmer Jones
Spoons
One Day Jane Met Tarzan ...
Previous Page
Next Page
Big Joke List
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday, they had not been together very long so he thought long & hard before remembering that on their last date she had complained that her hands were cold.
So he decided on a pair of gloves, not too personal at this stage of the relationship but thoughtful nonetheless.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister he went to Harrods & bought a stylish pair of dainty white gloves. At the same time the sister bought a pair of knickers for herself & they both asked for them to be gift wrapped.
Unfortunately the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the gift wrapped 'Allans' & the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves. The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person but when he arrived at his girlfriends house she wasn't in.
So instead he left the following, thoughtful note along with the present at her front door: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister I would have chosen some long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones & they are easier to pull off. These are a delicate shade & the shop assistant showed me the pair she has been wearing for the past three weeks & they are hardly soiled at all.
I had her try on yours & although a little tight they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them.
I wish you had been here so that I could have put them on for you as no doubt many hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will be holding them in my hand over the coming year I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Allan
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing".
One fine day mister rabbit goes running around the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat juicy joint and says "Giraffe Giraffe! Why do you smoke puff? Come run with me and get fit instead". So the giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit .
Then they come across an elephant doing big fat lines of charlie on a mirror. The rabbit says "Elephant Elephant! Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit." So the elephant stops and goes running with the two.
Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack "Lion Lion!" cries the rabbit, "Why do you do drugs? Come run withus instead." The lion with a mighty roar squashes the little rabbit to smithereens.
"No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!" The Lion says "F*cking rabbit always makes me run around this wanky forest when he's done a few pills".
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
Q. What's the difference between Gary Glitter & Football?
A. Your wife will probably let you take her up the Football.
The copule is the SI unit of sexual activity.
One copule is a single person-act of sexual intercourse of standard intensity and duration. A conventional act of intercourse between two people would thus amount to two copules. Orgies are usually rated in the more convenient unit of hectocopules (1 hectocopule = 100 copules).
The concept has been broadened to cover non-standard sexual activities. This is the subject of some controversy, and there are at least three different standards in use: ISO, Purity, and DIN. The ISO scale consists of an enumeration of a large range of sexual and sex-related practices, together with their copule ratings. However, the actual figures appear to have been plucked out of the air by a committee which avoided obtaining knowledgeable input. The scale is generally regarded as being no more than a codification of its compilers' prejudices, especially as part of their remit was to produce a legal definition of obscenity. Any wearing of latex clothing, for example, rates at least 0.8 ISO copules per item, which is surely excessive, and all acts of gay male sex rate at least 3 copules. Specifically lesbian sex is completely ignored. Despite its flaws, it cannot be ignored, as it is still used by the British Board of Film Censors and the Customs and Excise for certification or confiscation. Films rating 100 ISO copules or more are invariably prohibited, and any scene rating more than 10 copules per minute must be cut.
The Purity copule is the performance of any one of the items on a recognised Purity Test, one copule going to each participant.
The most authoritative standard is the DIN scale, which being of German origin includes an exhaustively researched body of data on SM practices. As yet it is only available in the original German, pending its assessment for obscenity on the ISO scale. Besides giving a more systematic classification, the DIN standard is based on clearly set out general principles which allow it to be extended to areas not explicitly covered. These have been used to draw up several quasi-standard appendices for specialised communities.
Its most controversial aspect is the rating of the male's participation in a single act of intercourse as 1 copule, and the female's participation in the same act as 1.3 copules. Positions on this issue are strongly polarised, with such unlikely bedfellows as Germaine Greer and Rupert Murdoch finding themselves on the same side. Some of the other ratings on the DIN scale which may seem strange can be understood at once by observing German porn on the satellite channels.
The following was written during the war from the British Ambassador
to Moscow to Lord Pembroke in 1943. It has only just been released
under the Freedom of Information Act.
It is without question excellent.
Did you hear about Tipper Gore while she was on the Presidential Campaign with her husband? To prepare herself she shaved off all the hair from her privates parts. She then sat on the stage with him and held her legs apart without any panties on.
What was her message?
"Read my lips. No more Bush."
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."
Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that," he asked.
She explained to him what sex was, to which he responded, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and presented herself.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then unleashed a merciless kick to Jane's crotch. After rolling around for some time in agony, eventually Jane managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for squirrels," said Tarzan.