SuppositoriesA French man stood accused ....Erotic v PervertedClergyman and the FrogThe Three HutsMost Embarrassing Moments ContestFrom the Yorkshire PostSigns of the Times - part 94Definitions from the Viz ProfanosaurusSounds Like Beer
Suppositories
A French man stood accused ....
Erotic v Perverted
Clergyman and the Frog
The Three Huts
Most Embarrassing Moments Contest
From the Yorkshire Post
Signs of the Times - part 94
Definitions from the Viz Profanosaurus
Sounds Like Beer
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Guy goes to the doctor who prescribes suppositories to be taken once a day, and tells the patient to return in a week.
The patient, being a bit slow, swallows the things like tablets for a week. When he returns to the doc who asks how he is getting on, the man replies:
"For all the good those tablets did me, I might just as well have stuck them up my f***ing arse!"
Another guy goes to the doc who again gives him suppositories and tells him to put one in his back passage every night for a fortnight and then come back for a progress report.
Two weeks go by and the man returns, when the doc asks what effect the suppositories have had the man replies:
"None whatsoever, but then again we don`t have a back passage so I`ve been putting them in the cupboard under the stairs"
A French man stood accused for having had sex with a dead woman.
Judge: - What kind of a man are you? Why did you do such thing, man?
French: - Please, your Honour, I only thought that the lady was English!
What's the difference between eroticism and perversion?
Eroticism is when you use a feather to pleasure your lover. Perversion is when you use the whole duck.
Once upon a time, a kindly Clergyman was walking along a river bank, when he heard a small voice at his feet. "Ahem." it said, "I am not as I seem, a frog. In fact, I am a Prince, who has been placed under a spell by a wicked Wizard. Won't you take me home and look after me?"
So the Clergyman did take the frog home, fed it a saucer of milk, and, when it was time to sleep, placed it upon his pillow.
Then the frog spoke again. "In fact" it said "You can break the spell. If a sufficiently pure-hearted person were to kiss me on top of my head, before long I would return to my natural form."
The Clergyman's heart was touched, and purity of heart was his gig, so he kissed the frog on top of its little head, and went to sleep. And, wonder of wonders, when he awoke in the morning, the frog was gone, and in its place lay a handsome young Prince.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence.
A guy's plane crashes in the jungle and he gets captured by cannibals. He's led away to their village.
When he gets to the village, the headman explains that 'today' is the tribes annual trial of manhood, where all of the young men in the village have to complete difficult tasks in order to attain manhood. The headman gives him a choice, pass the manhood test or go straight into the pot! Quickly, the guy agrees to take the test.
The headman explains the test.
'The test comprises three huts; in the first is an eight gallon barrel of the tribes homebrew beer; in the second is a full grown lion with a thorn in its paw; in the third is a nubile young woman of the village.'
'The test is simple; enter the first hut and drink the beer; enter the second hut and pull the thorn from the lion's paw; enter the third hut and satisfy the sexual appetites of the young woman.'
Off goes the guy to the first hut, many hours pass, accompanied by the sounds of much drinking - glug, gulp, swallow.....belch etc.
Eventually, the guy staggers out of the first hut. He's quickly escorted into the second hut and the door is shut.
All hell breaks loose, screams, howls, growls can be heard from the hut. He's in there for ages. Eventually, the noise dies down and the guy staggers out of the second hut.
He's in a hell of a state; his clothes are wrecked, hanging in shreds, there's claw marks and bruises everywhere.
He looks around for the third hut and says, drunkenly, "where'sh thish girl wiv a thorn in her foot then?"
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine:
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing !
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter'
Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
'It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Tim Cahill; New York
One of the funniest most-embarrassing-moment' stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'tampax' for "THUMBTACKS" and in a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'
A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday gaoled for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.
"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road. Hoyle, of Eastview, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."
He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency. His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.
Gaoling him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have witnessed.
True Story Appeared in Sky Magazine a few months ago -
From Laura,24:
'Last year at a Christmas party, I got off with this gorgeous bloke called Simon. He was a real arrogant git, but I've always been attracted to bastards. Little did I know this bloke was the biggest shit imaginable. We went back to my place and he pounced on me straightaway. Within minutes, he was shagging me frantically from behind on the sofa. I began to think that doing it that way was really impersonal.
"Let me turn around, I want to see your face," I slurred in my drunken state. But Simon just carried on regardless. I tried to move round myself, but he held me in place, grunting something about his jeans round his ankles making it difficult to move.
I was getting well cheesed off and I could feel he was about to finish. I suddenly found myself groaning "I want to see your face as you cum".
I felt him reach down into his pocket and just as he reached orgasm, he thrust his bus pass in front of my face. I stared miserably at a passport photo of the git as he did his business behind me.
Tit Pants:
A Bra.
X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus
Air Buffet:
A lingering gaseous meal, larger than an air biscuit.
Armbreaker:
Particularly energetic wank.
Arse Spider:
Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed without
bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.
Audition the finger puppets:
A single-act, one man show not suitable for children.
Autograph the gusset:
To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your
underpants.
Bacon strips:
External female genitalia.
Barnes Wallace:
The type of turd that sends a splash of water onto your
undercarriage after release from the bomb bay.
Beaded curtain:
A luxuriant crop of clagnuts.
Beef box:
A container into which sausages are put.
Benny Hill:
Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.
Biffer:
A particularly hairy minge.
Bilge tanks:
"Double gut" effect caused by too tight a belt.
The blind dirt snake:
A malodorous, legless lizard inhabiting cak canyon which
migrates south every morning.
Brown Daisy:
Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather than
bees.
Budgies tongue:
Descriptive, the female erective bit!!
Bum Goblin:
A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting
a painful spell on your ringpiece!
Burma:
Acronym, "Be upstairs ready my angel" See POLO.
POLO:
Acronym "Panties off, legs open!"
B.V.H:
Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed
skinhead.
Chugnuts:
Extremely large piles.
Cider Visor:
Beer goggles for the younger drinker.
Clapping fish:
Female genitalia.
Cliterature:
One handed reading material.
Cockoholic:
One who is addicted to cockahol.
Conkers deep:
To be in a state of deep penetration.
Cough your filthy yoghurt:
Romantic expression for ejaculation.
Crunchie:
A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.
Dingleberry roast:
Lighted farts.
Disco fanny:
The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance
floor in PVC trousers.
Ditch Pig:
Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.
Dizzy Gillespie:
A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies
cheeks puff out like a bullfrog's.
Double basing:
To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left
nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a position
similar to the one adopted for playing the double bass, though the sound is
slightly different.
Drop fudge:
Pinch a loaf, crimp one off, have a shit!
Drown some kittens:
To drown a litter of small stools.
Eating sushi off a barber shop floor:
Cunnulingus.
Face fannies:
Sideburns.
Feeding the pony:
One handed feeding of a lady's toothless gibbon.
Fertle, ferkyfoodle:
To feed a lady's pony through her dung hampers.
Five pinter:
A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.
Fizzy gravy:
Rusty water, diahorrea.
FLAME:
Abbr, Fanny like a mouses ear
Flat as a kippers dick:
Descriptive of unleavened baps.
Free the tadpoles:
To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.
Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit:
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too
high a speed.
Fud Slush:
Scottish fanny batter usually smeared on the face when
eating a haddock pastie.
Funbagtastic:
Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.
Fuse-wire:
A ginger persons gorilla salad.
Geetle:
The little pointed bit that hangs outside your rusty
sheriffs badge after you've had a Gladys.
Gladys:
Rhyming slang, To defecate, from Gladys Knight.
Granny's oysters:
Elderly female genitalia.
Greyhound:
Very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Hairy Scallops:
Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of
season.
Hand-to-gland combat:
Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving
a Spam javelin.
Hefty-clefty:
Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.
Kojaks moneybox:
The German helmet.
Lord of the pies:
Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker.
Mexican lipstick:
Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out.
Men in the rigging:
Small tagnuts found in the hairs of sailors arses.
Ming the merciless:
Death by chocolate starfish.
Monkey bath:
A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!.
Mumrar:
The act of creeping up on your mother and shouting Rar!
NORWICH:
Acronym, Knickers off ready when I come home
Opera house:
A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.
Pie-Liner:
A Femidom.
PIK:
Acronym, Pig In Knickers.
Pumpers Lump:
The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive
wanking.
Quim Chin, Muff mouth:
A bearded fellow.
Release the chocolate hostage:
To liberate Richard the third.
Ripped out fireplace:
A much swept out skin chimney.
Roy Castle's last blow:
A pathetic whimpering fart.
Rubik's:
Rhyming slang, gorilla salad.
Splinge:
A particularly lubricated Kipper Mitten.
Starfish Trooper:
An Arsestronaut..
Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat:
See Budgie's Tongue.
Two Bagger:
Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover
their head and one to cover yours in case theirs falls off.
Up on the blocks:
Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle
Bonnet.
UTBNB:
Advisory abbr, Up the bum, No babies!
Walnut Whip:
A minor operation that removes the cram but leaves the nuts
intact.
Wet as an otters pocket:
Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.
Wuffle nuts:
The fruits of the dingleberry tree.
Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he's ready to play.
"OK," the second Canadian says. "Is it something good to eat?"
The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"