Up at the bar...Dyslexia WebsiteAn Irish bloke goes to the DoctorDeodorantFearless Lumber JackAnother doctor jokeStrange PlacesFishy TaleThe Three TrialsTough Mice
Up at the bar...
Dyslexia Website
An Irish bloke goes to the Doctor
Deodorant
Fearless Lumber Jack
Another doctor joke
Strange Places
Fishy Tale
The Three Trials
Tough Mice
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your f**king hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
"Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya woot. Oi'm in acony."
So the Doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible", he says, "There is a £20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the Paddy's arse, and then a £10 appears.
"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur Gads sake get it out, man" shrieks the patient.
The Doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch is dare, den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling too grand"
A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc, " said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked.
"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls!"
The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse?"
The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain!"
Doctor: I'm afraid you have Lassa Fever, Hepatitis A and AIDS, and all we can feed you is Pancakes and Dover Sole.
Patient: Will that help me Doc ?
Doctor: I have absolutely no idea, but it's all we can slip under the door.
It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking auto erotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus. What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialled 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
A Chinaman falls desperately in love with a young nubile Chinese girl. Alas the poor chap decides to marry her and as per ancient Chinese custom he must ask the God of Passion for his blessing.
In his prayers he logs on to the GOP BB and pages the sysop.... He is in luck. "Here is the sysop" comes the reply.
The Chinaman asks "Please sir, I need your permission to marry the lovely nubile Chinesewoman, who I am deeply in love with".
"Well.... OK", comes the reply, "But only if there is no hanky panky on your wedding night. Otherwise you must suffer the three trials".
"OK", thinks the Chinaman "How can he tell? It's worth it". "I agree", says the Chinaman and so the wedding commences....
Finally we get to the wedding night... All goes well until the chinaman can control his carnal desires no more. Suddenly KABOOOOOMMM!!!
"You have sinned Chinaman", comes a voice, "Now you must suffer the three trials". WHAM!!! and the Chinaman has a massive boulder on his chest.
"Trial One", booms the voice. "Ah so", thinks the Chinaman. He staggers out of bed and throws the boulder out of the window.
"Trial Two", booms the voice, "Left bollock tied to boulder". "Oh shit!!!", thinks the Chinaman, "but I've got him beaten". He leaps out after the boulder.
"Trial Three", booms the voice, "Right bollock tied to windowledge!!!"
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."