LabradorsDear Madge ......Bar BabeA man walks into a bar ...Money ProblemsSmoking NunsLimericksPantiesBrian the brown nosed reindeerPaper Bag
Labradors
Dear Madge ......
Bar Babe
A man walks into a bar ...
Money Problems
Smoking Nuns
Limericks
Panties
Brian the brown nosed reindeer
Paper Bag
Three labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black labrador turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown labrador replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."
The black labrador says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown labrador. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow labrador says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black labrador inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lad said.
The yellow labrador then turns to the black labrador and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black labrador says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labradors exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black labrador says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing anything that ucnn hlpm wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic....and that aftershave is just wonderfull!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER...... You STINK..........Do you know, you're mother takes it up the arse"...... No cigarettes.
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.
He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.
Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.
He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off - I'm late for my bus."
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.
"What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."
"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."
There was a young actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
The Bishop was quicker
and thicker and slicker,
and two inches longer than you.
There was a young man from Pitlochry,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
There was a young vampire called Mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.
There was a young plumber from Lee,
who was plumbing his girl with great glee,
she said stop your plumbing,
I think someones coming,
said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!
A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
A wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.
"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
...He used to help pull Santa's sleigh. He would usually run right behind Rudolph... He could sprint every bit as fast as the other reindeer ...he just couldn't stop so quickly...
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well, er, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.
"No, how can I??'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"
"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper bag."
"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly, "As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."